Beautiful Goodbye
by BluSkye425
Summary: My first songfic. Suze comes home to find Jesse gone and breaks down, realizing that it's all her fault. It's gonna be a trilogy of songfics with a happy endingI promise! RR!


KawaiiQuerida-chan: Mmmmk! My first Mediator fanfic! Now lemme explain what's going to happen. Okay… this is the first out of 3 songfics I'm going to create. They may or may not be short…I just let my fingers flow. Their titles are _Beautiful Goodbye, Nobody's Home,_ and _Never Say Goodbye_, and they'll be posted in that order. Both the 1st and second chappy's will be fairly depressing, but I PROMISE a happy J+S ending, ok? I hate unhappy endings to death, so u really needn't worry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mediator or _Beautiful Goodbye_. I beg u not to sue me because the money I have I just got from my birthday!

_I'm fed up with my destiny_  
_This place of no return_  
_Think I'll take another day  
__Slowly watch it burn_

I stepped into the house with my heavy backpack hanging off my arm and another one of those heavy books of Father Dom's for Jesse. All of that must have tripled my weight, and it was hell carrying it, but I didn't really care.

It was Friday, and Jesse was staying the night—which was why I was giving the book to Jesse and not Father D. Jesse, apparently, wanted the book pronto. Light reading for the night, I guess.

We were going to sit down and it was going to be movies galore. And the best part about that was that nobody was going to be home. Mom and Andy were on some business trip/vacation thing, Sleepy was at the Library, Dopey was out with some girl (who knows who it could be this time—Jackie, Becca, Lauren, Andrea…you get the picture), and Doc was at someone's birthday party/sleepover. This meant that Jesse and I could talk fairly loud for a fairly long while—which was something we couldn't usually do on our 'dates.'

But that wasn't the only reason why I was so happy. Just that night, before Jesse dematerialized back to the rectory, Jesse and I finally told one another that we loved each other. Sure, it was assumed—but never actually _said_. That's the key word here, folks: said.

So throughout the whole day, all I kept thinking was 'Jesse loves me, Jesse loves me…he really really loves me!' Corny, I know, but hey it's something that I've wanted and dreamt about forever.

_Doesn't really matter how the time goes by  
__Cause I still remember you and I…_  
_And that beautiful good bye_

I went up the steps (not two at a time because of all I was carrying) and flung open the door, expecting to see Jesse. He wasn't there.

This wasn't anything big. Maybe he went out for a stroll or went to Father Dom's real quick for something or…any number of things. Why should I have been worried? I mean, if your Mom, Dad, brother, sister, boyfriend, or girlfriend isn't home right when you get there, do you all of a sudden start panicking? I should hope not. So I just shrugged my shoulders and set my book bag on the floor and the heavy book on my bed. I'd just find a way to bide my time until Jesse came back.

I relaxed on my bed, smiling, thinking of what had happened in the past year—all that Jesse and I had gone through. It seemed forever ago since Jesse pushed my bike back to the house after that lost battle with Heather. I was really quite depressed, I remembered, because I wasn't exactly used to losing like that.

_Stagger through these empty streets  
__Laughin' arm and arm  
__The night had made a mess of me  
__Your confessions kept me warm  
__I don't really miss you I just need to know  
__Do you ever think of you and I…  
__And that beautiful goodbye_

I didn't start to worry until 8:00. There was really no reason to. Like I said, there were a million reason for why Jesse was late, and they could even have happened one right after another. But when it was 8, the feeling of despair swept through me.

I put my yogurt on the counter and started to pace back and forth. Even then I didn't guess what had really happened—or maybe I just didn't want to. Reasons for why Jesse was late were awful, though: He got attacked by ghosts, by Paul, by ghosts that were Paul's minions, by Maria especially, who'd somehow come back to earth.

"Jesse," I called. "Jesse, come here!"

No one came.

"Jesse!" my voice was panicked now. "Jesse…I need your help! Please, if you can hear me, get here now!"

I had started shaking uncontrollably, and I heart-wrenching sob ripped through my throat.

"Jesse, If you don't get your ass down here this instant, I'm going to exorcise you!"

Exorcise.

That was when it hit me. The only reason that Jesse wouldn't answer my call—not matter how badly he was temporarily injured—he would have come—unless he was in Shadowland. But he couldn't have been exorcised, because only Paul could do that, and Paul knows that if he so much lays a finger on Jesse our little Mediator lessons would be instantly canceled, and I'd do everything in my power to make sure I would never see Paul's face again.

When the truth hit me, my heart turned to ice, and I felt empty inside.

Because it was my fault.

When Jesse was alive, he was engaged to marry his cousin, Maria de Silva. He wasn't in love with her, however, and neither was Maria in love with Jesse. She was, in fact, the one who ordered her lover to kill Jesse to save face when he was planning on canceling the engagement.

So he'd never been in love—never had anybody tell him that she loved him.

Until I did.

And afterwards, that was it. Just a kiss goodbye—nothing to foreshadow what was going to happen moments later.

_When I see you now  
__I wonder how  
__I could have watched you walk away  
__If I let you down  
__Please forgive me now…  
__For that beautiful goodbye_

I lay on my bed, sobbing my heart out. Jesse was gone forever. He was never coming back. My love—my only love—was gone. He'd just disappeared. Never to be seen by anyone again. Never to be seen by _me_ again.

I would never hold him. He would never hold me. I would never kiss him or tell him I love him. I would never whisper sweet nothings in his ear; dream a little dream about my future with him. Because none of it existed anymore. Jesse didn't exist anymore. And the only things saying he ever had were a couple of dusty books dated over a century and a half ago, a portrait, and what was in my memory—and the latter could never be proved.

It was ironic how something that was supposed to be as magical as saying 'I love you'—something that was supposed to set off a couple's future together—was the thing that ended mine.

And I knew that Madame Zara was definitely right: Jesse would be my only love ever, and it would last for eternity. And he wouldn't be able to feel any of it.

_Yeahhhhh  
__In these days of no regrets  
__I keep mine to myself  
__And all the things we never said  
__I can say for someone else  
__And nothing lasts forever but we always try  
__And I just can't help but wonder why…  
__We let it pass us by_

I took out the miniature portrait of Jesse that I had from when he was alive. It was very good, but it didn't really do Jesse justice. His eyes didn't have the love for me shining through them, didn't have his warmth—no matter if it was all in my head or not.

I used my finger to caress the portrait, and I wondered how I could have just let him disappear like that.

I'm so sorry, Jesse, I thought. I'm sorry that I allowed you to move on. I just hope that you can forgive me for what I've done. I only meant to make it better—not worse.

I took a deep breath, trying not to let another sob escape, but it was no use. I only hope that my love is still with you—wherever you are.

_Yeahhhhh  
__When I see you now  
__I wonder how  
__I could have watched you walk away  
__If I let you down  
__Please forgive me now…  
__For that beautiful goodbye_

I felt as if I was physically drained, but I knew that it was just that I'd lost the will and the energy to live.

I opened the window by the daybed and threw the heavy book out it; then I went back to my bed, hid myself under the covers, and cried myself to sleep. I was too tired to care about my homework, and now the weekend was just a nightmare. There was nothing to do to keep me busy…to keep my mind off of Jesse.

I love you, Jesse

_Baby what can I do  
__Oh to get through to you  
__And sometimes I cryyyyy yeah  
__It's a fool's lullabyyyyy  
__Sometimes I cryyyyy  
__It's just a fool's lullabyyyyy  
__Ohh I oooooooo  
__I'm tired u say_

KawaiiQuerida-chan: Depressing? I dunno about you, but I almost started crying. But remember: It's going to get better—eventually. It just kinda gets more depressing in the sequel, but Never Say Goodbye is happy! Just hang on to that thought, my dear reviewers! Notice I said 'reviewers', so do what I called u and Review! Onegai (that means please) Because I won't update until either I get 10 (a fairly small amount, I think) reviews or a month passes. Personally, I think that first choice is faster, but it's all up to u!


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